have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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