i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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