if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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