i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
is wine microwaveable?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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