opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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