Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize