at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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