The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
