Capitaan dildo arrescate!
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
