I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
