The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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