ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
