wrigley field is MILF paradise
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
