wanna go halves on a baby?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
