Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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