i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You pole danced in your parka.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
