News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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