I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
