The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
