Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
