I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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