If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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