i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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