I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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