Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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