Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
