then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
now i know why i became what i already was.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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