so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
