Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
