I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
