so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
