Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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