Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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