3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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