im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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