My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
