you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
