i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
