Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
