Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
