Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
