wat bout pragnant strippers??
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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