last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
