Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
