So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
