She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
