i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
