So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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