my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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