I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
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