Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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