the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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