either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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