You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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