If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
even my farts smell like vagina
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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