my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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