Cold hands, warm shart.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize