i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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