have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
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