Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
