I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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