i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
